I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
tell me about the fingering
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
