Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize