Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
ttyl tear gas
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
