My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
