Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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