So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize