ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
