the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
