I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
