There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
