I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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