Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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