Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
is wine microwaveable?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
