i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
