I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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