I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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