Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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