Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
