so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
