I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
