i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
