i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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