im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
