omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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