We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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