The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
3 2 1 whiskey
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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