I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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