tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If I die, sorry about rent.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
