so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
