On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
