In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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