my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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