Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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