I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
