my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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