How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
