after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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