First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
