soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
