We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
