It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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