Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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