I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Green mimosas i think yes
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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