I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize