I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
