4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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