I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
