i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
