Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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