Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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