I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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