There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
