Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
