the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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