you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
