YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
