Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
