I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
