I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
