mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
