Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
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