The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
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