The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
