It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
