Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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