and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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