The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
