Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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