using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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