A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
