Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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