I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
