so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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