I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
