nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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