you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
